Recurrent Recovery

        So I decided to get a tattoo, surprise...Yes, another one.  It took a little bit to decide what design I wanted but I think, for me, it couldn't have been more clear once I found it. I got a dumbbell with the NEDA symbol (NEDA is the National Eating Disorder Association). I've been struggling for a long while, my whole life I suppose, with my relationship with food. I know I'm not alone, in fact too many of us have issues. But, in the end, we all feel alone. 

        I eat when I'm bored, lonely, sad, angry (maybe not angry because I'm stubborn), and just because. Why is it so hard to just eat when hungry and stop when full? I have struggled with this conundrum my whole existence.  Recently, I've started wondering if I will ever be 'normal' in this sense.  Can't my mind just realize that food is fuel and nothing more? Unfortunately, no I don't think I will ever be on the same plane as some...BUT I know it gets better with time and with practice.  Willpower is something that needs to recharge once in awhile and I realize that I can't push it too far...And maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't be so hard on myself sometimes.

        I'll be the first to admit that I am not the best at dealing with those pesky things called feelings. I'd much rather feel physical, tangible pain than mental/emotional/intangible pain.  Maybe that's why, partly, I ended up with a majority of my tattoos when my husband was deployed to a not-so-hospitable locale back in 2012 (surprise baby!). Although, I can't deny that I might err on the side of the right brain more than the left...is our body not a canvas in which we create art? But anyway...

        Getting into lifting has made a difference...it has helped for sure... and absolutely meeting my coach has changed my perspective more than I could ever realize on my own.  She gets it and literally ensures me that I am not alone. The ridiculous emotions and feelings that try to control my psyche are unfounded. The gym has turned into my therapist (physical pain that can be justified)...the struggle in the weight room has replaced some of the struggle I have with food and my body. I still struggle and I know I always will (we always will) but I now know I have the strength to beat the shit out of it and show food that it's my bitch and not the other way around (if I choose to). There's no cure, yeah you read that right, but I believe it does get easier...you just have to find a passion. Not to mention the more you lift, the more you can eat ;)....

      But seriously, I hope I can inspire someone and I hope by me finding the courage to admit to a difficult issue will help someone else along the way, yes it's cliché but hell it's the truth. I also want to take this moment to thank my coach and also my friend @addingpins for her unconditional support, empathy and just awesomeness.  Her and her fiance (Yay!) @MrStackingPlates, understand the struggle and are always there for me no matter what their situation is. They have such wise and caring hearts it's ridiculous <3... If I can change one person's life like they've changed mine then every struggle, every pain, every thing was worth it..she's also batman...shhh...

        In the end, this is life, this is how it is and it's up to my crazy-ass to figure out how to deal with it...and yours if you so choose!! 

        PS. I have a cankle right now, thank you body for swelling ridiculously every time I get inked :/